Bob Felts Online

Don’t Cheat Your Marriage

I don’t know what we were thinking, but things were getting crazy. We had three boys, 10, 12, and 14 who were involved in about 6000 activities. There were music lessons and practice, soccer, Scouts, the church youth group, football, friends, and oh yes last and sometimes least, school and homework. Then on top of all that Deb and I added on all our meetings and appointments. It was like living in a three-ring circus, without the rings. We needed project manager software running on a mainframe computer just to coordinate all the events. I think if I had to do it all over again I might try and limit the boy’s activities, but that is easy to say now that they are all gone.

Then in the midst of all this we were trying to keep a marriage romantic and passionate. At times I forgot about romance, I just was hoping for survival. For many couples, the number one issue they have in their marriage is not enough time together. Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner are marriage and sex therapists and have written many books on marriage. I have adapted a simple formula they recommend for time together.

Fifteen minutes a day. Every couple needs at least fifteen minutes, one on one, face to face, to talk about what has happened that day. Catch each other up on any new information or frustrations, encourage each other, and make sure to pray together at the end. It is amazing what just fifteen minutes can do to keep you emotionally connected. 

Two hours every week. It sounds crazy but we had to really work hard to get two hours of alone time each week. We had to be creative. Sometimes it was an early morning breakfast, or when the kids were at mother’s day out, or at soccer practice. But when we made the time we found those were precious hours.

One long date a month. We try to get a whole day, but sometimes have to settle for half a day. At the beginning even this did not work well. We would get in the car and I would ask Deb, “What do you wan to do?” “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” You can imagine how exciting that was. So we came up with an idea where I plan one month, and she plans the date for the next month. When it is my month to plan I try to plan a date Deb would enjoy, and she does the same for me. The one not planning the date is just told when they need to be ready and what the appropriate dress is for the date. We have been doing this for over twenty years and we have had some creative and exciting dates. One problem is that our schedule is so busy we have to schedule our dates months in advance.

Three weekends a year. Fall, winter, and spring we try and get away for a weekend alone together. This takes an incredible amount of planning, and some money as well, but it does not have to be expensive. I had no idea how much those weekends would invigorate and encourage our marriage.

Many have told me through the years they just don’t have that much time for their spouse. But as a friend told me once, there are no time management issues, only priority issues. Your marriage is worth the investment, I promise you. And besides, wouldn’t it be great to put some sizzle back into your marriage?

Bike Riding Lessons

Watching my granddaughter ride her three-wheeled scooter on the sidewalk reminded me of when her dad was young and had decided to learn how to ride a bike, without the training wheels. I remember thinking he was just a little guy. I thought he could wait until he was a little older, like maybe 17. But no, he wanted to learn now. So with a bike helmet that looked about three sizes too big, we headed out to the driveway.

One thing you need to know about Steve is that he does not like to be wrong or make mistakes. I personally cannot imagine where in the world he could have inherited those traits. He wanted to get up and ride that bike and never fall down. I remember reading that the secret of teaching a child to ride a bike was the concept that you must turn into the direction you are falling. So when you lean to the right, you turn to the right. One’s first natural instinct when the bike starts to fall or lean to the right is to try and steer it to the left. But that maneuver only plants one’s face into the grass or concrete. So in the first lesson we stood still in the driveway with my holding the seat leaning the bike right and left and training Steve to turn the handlebars in that direction. Then we started to move down the sidewalk, doing the same thing. Sure enough he forgot and had a royal crash. Mom could not watch.

I thought that might be it for the day, and we would start back fresh the next day. But Steve would have none of it. Did I mention that he is also fearless and stubborn? He got back up, and crashed again. And again. But then he began to get it. He wobbled but kept his balance. I was trying to keep up running behind him to grab the bike if he fell, but even with my blazing foot speed he just peddled away from me shouting with delight. He could have easily given up when he crashed but his persistence paid off.

Living life is a lot like learning to ride a bike. The Bible tells us “we all make many mistakes” (James 3:2). We will all blow it. We all make blunders. We all sin. Sometimes we even crash. The question is not, “are we going to blow it and fail sometimes?” The question is “what we are going to do about it when we do?” “People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy” (Proverbs 28:13).

We must first be willing to admit we have made a mistake. Pride has been the downfall of many a man and nation. Then, if that mistake is a sin, we need to confess that to God and to those we have wronged with our sin, and ask their forgiveness. Then, however, we must learn from what we did wrong and get back up on that bike and try again. The successful person is not the one who never makes a mistake, but the one who gets back up and keeps trying. If today you are discouraged about some failure in your life, welcome to being human. Face it head on and stop running from it. God gives us the courage to admit sin, receive forgiveness, and start again. Get back on that bike and ride with joy. 

The Joy of Family

In the dense fog of sleep I could hear someone talking, but I could not tell what they were saying. Why is anyone talking to me at 2:25am? I don’t want to talk to anyone in the middle of the night, including my wife Deb. I’m not even sure God is awake that early, but then I remind myself that he never sleeps and is always watching over me. But that man is still talking and I realize it is coming from my friendly clock radio, not so gently reminding me I was the one who set the alarm that early and I only had 30 minutes to get up, shower, dress, eat breakfast and be out the door to catch an early morning flight out of RDU airport.

After an exciting hour-long drive to the airport I find myself on the shuttle bus from long term parking to the terminal. The man sitting next to me has that dazed look of someone who has just seen aliens, and then he told me he never even got to bed, he just stayed up to catch the flight. I wondered if I might start seeing things too traveling that early.  Why would I, a normal, or at least a somewhat normal man get up so early to fly to a hot, nasty place like Corpus Christi Texas? Grandchildren.

Many of the greatest joys of life come from family. I remember days with our three boys when it seemed they would never grow up. But the days where I thought I had changed at least 300 diapers and wondered if they would ever be old enough to talk quickly passed. After surviving high school with all the drama of grades, sports, and girlfriends they all left for college. While we missed them deeply, Deb and I have built a great marriage and we are thoroughly enjoying our empty nest. But then we entered the next phase of life when our oldest son and his wife had Claire, our beautiful, brilliant, and marvelous grandchild.

I always used to just shake my head in disbelief at grandparents who carried on over their grandchildren. Anyone could see they were just regular kids, and in fact some of them looked and acted pretty goofy to me. Grandma was telling me how smart they were and I was wondering if they would be able to graduate 1^st grade. But now I’m that deluded grandparent and I find myself honestly thinking that my grandchild is cuter and smarter than other kids. I know intellectually she is like a million other 3 year old girls, but to me she really is special and there is no one who could compare with her, until now.

Two weeks ago, Aaron David, Clair’s baby brother arrived. It is amazing how I can love a child that I have never held or even seen face to face. As I write this from 32,000 feet I can’t wait to see and hold the next generation of Felts, even though he will not know I’m in this world for at least another year.

What is even more amazing is that the creator God of the universe loved me enough to send his only son to die for me so that I could be brought into God’s family. He sees me as a precious child even though I have done nothing to deserve his love. Our families here are just a taste of the joy of being a part of God’s eternal family. Don’t miss out on enjoying God’s family down here, and in eternity. 

Good Christian Bitches?

GCB is a new TV show on ABC based on the book “Good Christian Bitches” by Kim Gatlin. According to reports the producers received a lot of flack about the title so they changed it to “Good Christian Belles,” and then to just to GCB. The story line is about a young widow who has to move from Los Angeles back to her hometown of Dallas and lives with her mother as she tries to put her life back together. The friends she made fun of in high school still hold grudges and are out to make her life miserable. Unfortunately the plot has them all attending a Southern Baptist church where they act anything but Christian.

Often the media has a negative and cynical view of Christianity. Typically when you see a Christian portrayed on TV or in the movies they are a sincere dork, a hopeless loser, or a fraud and a fake. Most of the pastors make me want to throw up as they are either hyper-religious, stuck up, and self righteous, or they are gay, a crook, or immoral. The idea that there are normal, reasonable, rational, competent and even joy-filled followers of Christ does not seem to fit their mold. I wonder if this is because they realize if they present Christians as credible individuals that would lend credibility to the claims of Christ. I think many don’t want to believe in Christ because they don’t like the lifestyle and sacrifice a commitment to Christ demands. But sometimes we Christians are our worst enemies. As a teen I rebelled from God and the church, not because I did not know any Christians, but I rebelled in large part because the Christians I knew were hypocrites.

When people claim to be Christians and show up looking all dressed up at church but then do not allow the gospel to change their life, they actually do far more harm than good. How often do people see those of us who attend church on a regular basis act in petty and superficial ways? The church has been battling this for centuries. The Apostle Paul wrote to the church at Corinth, “I am afraid that I will find quarreling, jealousy, anger, selfishness, slander, gossip, arrogance, and disorderly behavior” (2 Corinthians 12:20, New Living Translation). What is different from today is that the Apostle Paul confronted that sin and many churches today seem to wink at it and accept it as business as usual.  

I am constantly amazed that churches allow so called “mature Christian” men and women to continue to slander, gossip, and quarrel without addressing it. In the book of Romans, God includes the sins of hate and murder in the same list with quarrelling, malicious behavior, and gossip. Yet churches allow one member to remain upset with another. They allow a group to continually complain about the worship leader, pastor, or some other leader. This is sin. This is ungodliness. This is destructive to the body of Christ. Even the secular society knows that is wrong and calls it being a GCB, except there is nothing good about it. If there is a misunderstanding or an issue that needs to be addressed, then address it one on one with that person.

Jesus tells us, “If you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God (Matthew 5:23-24). Let’s get serious about keeping right relationships in the body of Christ. 

The Dork at School Might Actually be a Great Kid

This week in Ohio another troubled teen shot his classmates. I’m sure we will hear more as the weeks go by about his background, but it appears he was a very shy, troubled teen. Many of us can remember difficult days in school growing up.  I’m thankful those days are behind me. My Mom started us getting ready for school in July. We would head off to buy our clothes at the discount store, one that had a big K in front of it. After we bought all our clothes we crossed the aisle to pick up our school supplies. I later came to realize that if you buy your clothes, school supplies, and fertilizer at the same store, you are not at the school fashion headquarters.

Other kids had cool clothes. I had dork clothes. I did not know they were dork clothes until I got to school, because I did not know what cool clothes looked like until I realized I was not wearing them. I sported huge front teeth that stuck straight out so I looked like a hungry beaver. Thankfully my folks paid for braces, so then I looked like a beaver with braces on. In the 2^nd grade I complained that the chalkboard looked fuzzy. That was a big mistake because I then had to wear eyeglasses so thick that I had to be careful in direct sun so as to not fry my eyeballs.

Other kids had awesome lunch boxes with pictures of cool comic book characters like Spiderman and the Hulk. My lunch box was blue, and I think it said something really catchy like, “lunch box” on the side. I didn’t play sports; Mom thought it was best to focus on academics, which I can tell you is easier when you have few friends. Recess was a time to get clobbered by some overgrown gorilla, the guy who in 6th grade was already shaving and had a voice like Barry White. So I was short, skinny, shy, wore braces and glasses, and got good grades. Maybe that was the way to be popular in your school, but where I grew up, it was a disaster.

The truth is none of those things, except the getting of good grades, was my choice. I would have gladly changed my body, teeth, eyes, and clothes for almost anything different, but that was what I was given. It was only in high school that things began to change. I grew six inches the summer between 9^th and 10^th grade. My braces came off and I started wearing contacts. I played basketball and tennis with abandon, and became experienced in outdoors activities like back packing, rock climbing, and caving.

While I was now running with a much cooler crowd and had several girlfriends, a topic we won’t discuss right now, I remembered what it was like to be treated as some loser dork. I was actually the same kid on the inside. I could have been a good friend to many kids, but they did not give me the chance. Jesus told his followers to always remember the poor and needy, widows and orphans, and those looked down on by society. I think had Jesus spoken those words in my neighborhood he might have added dorks to his list. Encourage your children and grandkids to be kind to the kids others call “losers.” They have feelings too, and one day they might blossom into one cool friend. That dork with good grades might one day be their doctor, boss, or even their pastor.

This is a Different Season

This has been a strange winter. It snowed for first time this season just this past week. Listening to some weather forecasters you would have thought the great blizzard of 2012 had arrived and that you were risking your life to venture out in your car in the deep 2-inch snow drifts we got. Of course the way some people drive they are risking their life, and everyone else’s out there. It has little to do, however, with the snow and a lot to do with the fact that they are thoughtless clowns who have not figured out that just because they can make their car go 85 mph with snow on the road it is going to take an extra long distance to stop on a wet and icy road.

Somewhere people must have heard that in a blizzard where you can’t see 5 feet in front of your car it might be helpful to put on your flashers so cars coming up behind you can see you better. What some folks have not figured out is that 2 inches of snow is not a blizzard, and when you put your flashers on as you drive at normal speeds all it does is make it harder for folks to know when you are actually putting on your brakes and slowing down. They must think what we all need out there is a lot more confusion about what people are doing.

One yard I went by had a pitiful snowman out front, the kind of snowman every child dreams of, if they dream of a midget 2 feet tall snowman. And they had to scrape every bit of snow off six acres to build that snowman. Of course it did not last because it seems like the next day is was almost 70 again and everyone was walking around in short sleeves. Yes this certainly has been a different kind of winter. I for one love the different seasons. I love the cold of winter, the early warmth of spring, a hot summer day, and the brisk coolness of fall. Every year brings different seasons and experiences.

Thousands of years ago Solomon wrote, “For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven” (Ecclesiastes 3:1). I have found, however, I’m not always excited about the new seasons the Lord brings my way. I personally like the healing season better than the sick season. I prefer laughing to the season of crying, and I would much rather dance than grieve. You may be in a difficult season of life right now. I have said many a time to my wife that I was ready for this or that season to be over. We don’t get to choose the seasons, but we do get to choose how we drive or navigate those seasons.

In difficult seasons realize that Christ has promised his followers, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5). The bible tells us that when trials come our way we should see that as an opportunity for personal growth, so trust in God’s sovereignty. When you are in a good season make sure you take the time to laugh, dance, and rejoice. God loves giving good gifts to his children. I find most of my seasons are like this winter; I have both good and bad going on at the same time. So live in the fullness of Christ, embrace whatever season you are in, and know that a new season is right around the corner. 

Doomsday Preppers and the real danger we face

I was driving my wife nuts the other night with my usual high-speed channel surfing when I came to a surprising stop, which caused Deb to groan and ask, “Really?” I landed on the National Geographic Channel’s “Doomsday Preppers.”  I guess the old National Geographic specials on animals and nature were not enough to fill up an entire channel so they had to get creative; and have they ever. For those of you fortunate enough to be doing something better with your time let me fill you in. This show is about a group of Americans who are preparing for the end of the world, or at least the end of civilization, as we know it.

I used to call these folks survivalists but I guess preppers sounds better. What is interesting to me is that the people highlighted on the show seem to be afraid of different things. One man is concerned about an electromagnetic pulse caused by a massive sun flare or a hostile nation detonating an EMP bomb, which would wipe out everything electronic in our nation, while another is sure there will be a massive oil crisis. One couple believes the earth will shift on its axis, another that the magnetic poles will reverse, and another man is concerned that California and the nation will suffer massive earthquakes. Every scenario ends with total financial collapse and mass anarchy. The question I have is “Are they preparing for the right thing?”

As I analyze my preparedness for disaster I have to admit I fall woefully short. I do have some camping supplies that would come in handy, but what I really obsess about is not having enough carrot cake on hand to make it through a nuclear winter. I was a Boy Scout and I believe in their motto, be prepared. FEMA actually has a 200-page book you can download on how to prepare for a disaster. They recommend everyone have a disaster supplies kit that contains enough food, water, and supplies for three days. Since we all know disasters do strike this makes perfect sense, however, for the doomsday preppers this is only the beginning. Some of these folks have 50,000 pounds of food and supplies that will last 20 years or more.

While short term natural disasters like tornadoes, hurricanes, and winter ice storms are reasonable to prepare for, most of the end of the world scenarios are much less likely to happen. What I do not hear the survivalists worried about is the one disaster that is certain to happen, death. One day we will all die and pass from this life to the next. Jesus warns us not to focus on this life and treasures here, but to send treasures ahead for the next life. We need to be preparing for eternity, because this life is not all there is.

With political and economic instability growing in our world I believe the prepping movement will grow. The stores and web sites selling survival gear will be the big winners as people spend more of their time and money on planning for survival. One of the saddest facets of a survivalist mentality is that they are constantly driven by fear and worry. The truth is we live in an uncertain world and Jesus said that if we seek him first, he will meet our needs. We must not live in fear. And I am taking more precautions now, I just have to figure out how to explain to Deb why we have half a dozen carrot cakes in the freezer.

Keep Looking Down

I was a seasoned seminary student, meaning I had been at seminary far longer than the typical student, when I first walked into my senior pastor’s office and saw a sign on his bookshelf that caught my eye. I had always heard the advice to keep looking up, but the sign on Hal Brook’s shelf said just the opposite; “Keep looking down.”  When I asked him about it I got a powerful lesson that has stayed with me for decades.

Hal had been a successful pastor before he came to our church. He had led his church in a nearby area to grow to several thousand members. He was well known and admired for his commitment to Christ and the local community. There were some in our church, however, who did not like Hal and thought he was too traditional and too committed to the denomination. People left the church before they ever gave him a chance, and they were the losers because Hal was one incredible man of God. He faced great trials of rejection, sinful church members, and then a three-year battle with cancer before he died. I saw how his determination to keep looking down gave him incredible strength, grace, and perseverance. Having this philosophy in life can change your entire outlook on life.

The apostle Paul says something interesting about the current position of those who are truly Christ followers. “For he raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus” (Ephesians 2:6).  When one accepts Christ as his Lord and Savior and is born again, as Jesus said to Nicodemus, then we are given the gift of eternal life and placed in Christ. While we will not fully realize our inheritance until we die, we have already been rescued from spiritual death and given new spiritual life and eternity. Our eternal life does not start when we die, it has already started and will continue after we die because we are already “united with Christ Jesus.” While no one knows all that exactly means, in some real sense Christ followers are already seated with Christ in the heavenly realms.

I love the window seat when flying because I enjoy looking down at the landscapes below. Have you ever noticed that a city that appears huge and endless when you are on the ground and in the middle of it seems small from the air? You get such a different perspective when looking down from above. In the same way Christ invites us to look at life, not from our perspective down here, but from God’s perspective in heaven.

We realize it is not about us. When seen from above it is easier to understand the bigger picture, including how awesome God is and how great his plan is for this earth. Looking down I can better understand that I am not meant to live forever here, but that for these short years of life I’m here for a greater purpose. When you face great trials and difficulties try looking down. Look at things from God’s perspective, not yours. This earth is not your real home. From below our problems look huge and insurmountable, however from the perspective of heaven they are small indeed. “For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!” (2 Corinthians 4:17). What is going on in your life that you need to look down on?

Be careful what you say about the poor

Mitt Romney really stepped in it this week in an interview with CNN. While trying to clarify that his focus would be on helping the middle class he said, “I’m not concerned about the very poor.” Both liberals and conservatives jumped on his words and blasted him. He no doubt gave his Republican rivals and the Democrats a huge gift for the upcoming election and I’m sure we will be hearing about this quote for a long time. Whether or not you believe Romney revealed his true feelings or just made a horrible choice in words it reminded me of an important lesson and made me ask myself a hard question.

One thing I have learned the hard way is that those of us who speak publically on a regular basis are sooner or later going to say something the wrong way. All of us need to choose our words carefully. Proverbs 10:19 says, “Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.” That is great advice when I am tempted to talk too much or to share an opinion that I have not carefully thought through. I find this an important principle to remember when I’m angry, for that is when I tend to overstate my feelings and say things I later regret. This is one reason I believe Scripture says those who are hot headed and given to outbursts of anger must not be put into positions of spiritual leadership.

Unfortunately for folks like politicians, newscasters, teachers, and preachers we use words a lot, and when we mess up we have to own up to it, apologize, and do our best to clarify what we really meant. For example I believe that Romney would be well served to say something like, “that was a stupid and insensitive thing to say and I deeply apologize to all of you who were offended by my remarks. I do care about the plight of the poor. I was trying to say that…”

Remember that it is easy to take someone’s words out of context and give them a meaning the speaker never meant; people have been doing that with the Bible for centuries and God spoke that perfectly.

Romney’s comment also made me ask myself the hard question, am I concerned about the poor? The bible is clear about what God thinks. “Those who oppress the poor insult their Maker, but helping the poor honors him” (Proverbs 14:31). “The righteous care about justice for the poor, but the wicked have no such concern” (Proverbs 29:7). The truth is many of us are concerned about the very poor, but not enough to do much about it. Most of us are glad the government is helping them out, but God says every follower of Christ has a responsibility to help those in our society who are poor and hurting. “Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress …” (James 1:27).

If God has blessed you with a good mind and a steady income he has not given you those blessings for you to spend it all on yourself. You have been blessed to be a blessing. We have great organizations here you can assist with time and money, like Allied Churches, the Salvation Army, Loaves and Fishes, and others

I believe many of those who will criticize Romney for his comments are actually doing nothing for the poor. Don’t let that be you. 

Watch out for Christians and politics

I always get nervous when election time comes because of how some Christians act. Many people believe that conservative Christians and evangelicals are nothing but a bunch of hypocrites and a right wing voting bloc for the Republican Party. On the other hand many believe that liberal churches and black churches are simply Democratic voting blocs. Unfortunately our actions often feed these stereotypes and I believe do great damage to the true cause of Christ and the gospel. I strongly believe that Christians should be involved in the political process and that we should be fully engaged in the culture bringing biblical principles such as justice and truth to the forefront. Jesus said we are to be the salt and light in the world, however, that is far different from trying to be manipulators of the political process and power brokers.

Recently 150 evangelical leaders met on a ranch in Texas to debate the current group of Republican candidates so they can throw their weight behind a chosen candidate. I think it is interesting that there has been great secrecy about who these 150 leaders are. I find that when a lot of decision making is going on behind closed doors and they don’t even want the public to know who is behind the closed doors we need to be wary. I’m sure these men are wonderful men who are well intentioned but I believe they are making a serious mistake for several reasons. First of all trying to play kingmaker and deliver a united evangelical does not work. The group anointed senator Rick Santorum as their choice and we see how well that worked in South Carolina.

But by far the greater problem is that by trying to manipulate the political process we feed the opinion of far too many that evangelicals are primarily a right wing political action group whose primary agenda is abortion and homosexuality. The majority of the nation knows more about what evangelicals are against than what we are for. Many people believe we hate sinners, which is exactly the opposite message of Christ who said he came for sinners. Sinners just like you and me.

Every time throughout history the church grabbed political power both the state and the church suffered. History has shown that political power corrupts many, including church leaders. Whenever we succumb to the siren song of political power we lose the focus we must have on the gospel. The radicals in Jesus’ day wanted him to lead a political movement against Rome, but he refused. We must resist that temptation as well because when we don’t we lose our reputation to present the gospel.

For example several years ago most of these same Christian leaders denounced in the strongest terms the infidelity and lack of moral character of Bill Clinton. They asserted in the strongest terms that character matters. Now, however, many of them are supporting Newt Gingrich who has had multiple affairs and asked his second wife for an open marriage so he could continue his affair with his now third wife. That sounds hypocritical to me, and I’m an evangelical. That makes it seem like we don’t really believe in our principles; we just want political power, which is disgusting.

These problems have caused some to swing the pendulum to the other side and decide that faith and values have no place in the public arena. Either extreme distorts where God has called us to live. Let’s be wise and not allow our churches or ourselves to be seen as primarily a voting bloc. Let’s be the prophetic voice God has called us to be and proclaim Christ.