Bob Felts Online

Our kids are doing fine, they are handling things great.

- George and Susan (names changed for obvious reasons) were going through some hard times in their marriage and they were trying to protect their kids from the stress and conflict. They were looking me in the eye and seemed sincere, but I wonder if they actually believed what they were saying or if they were really that naive. I have found we as parents often see in our kids what we want to see and not the reality of how much they are picking up on. Kids are much smarter than we think and even young children quickly pick up on stress in the household. We live in stressful times. The current economy is tough, and financial stress and disagreement is the number one issue couples mention when getting divorced. While we may think we are sheltering our children the truth is they are picking up far more than we realize, and the impact on them is severe and long lasting. As parents, and grandparents, we need to find better ways to take care of our children. Their emotional well-being and future depend on it. While George and Susan thought their kids were doing fine the kid’s teachers knew different. The kids were worried and upset. Unfortunately George and Susan are not alone. According to a recent report by the American Psychological Association parents do a poor job of hiding stress from their children. When they surveyed children and teens ages 8-17 almost all of them, over 90%, said they know when their parents are stressed. Parents are human and we all act differently when we are under a lot of stress and many times we are not even aware of it. When you yell or shout, when a parent is short or critical or is preoccupied, kids pick up those signals immediately. The conflict in George and Susan’s marriage was tearing their kids up but the kids did not think they could talk about things with their parents. The kids were worried sick that their parents were going to get a divorce and they wondered what was going to happen to their family. According to surveys the number one fear of school age children is the loss of a parent to death or divorce. I have spoken to teachers who told me that out of their classroom of more than twenty students every child’s family has gone through divorce. No wonder kids worry even when parents are just having a disagreement. According to the American Psychological Association report when a parent is stressed the children often have a wide range of emotions, including feeling sad, worried, angry, annoyed, and helpless. We must help our children through these difficult times and not assume that because they are putting on a good game face for us that they are doing great. We have to be the adults and focus on our children not just concentrate on our own problems. Talk to your children or grandchildren openly and tell them you are going through a hard time. Let them know of your commitment to work things out and that you will all get through this together. Don’t give more detail than they need, and don’t make them your confidant or counselor. Stop fighting and arguing in front of the kids. Stop yelling anytime; they can hear through closed doors. Recommit yourself to God and get back in a solid, loving church. God cares more about your stress and marriage than anyone. He will get you through it if you will seek his wisdom and counsel.