What I wish I had known about marriage 35 years ago.
The last time some of us had been together over 30 years ago we were young, newly married seminary students. Now, 35 years later, most of us have been married for over three decades and have grandchildren. At our seminary reunion this summer we found out that some of the biggest changes many of us have experienced over these decades is in the way we have grown in our understanding of the roles of husbands and wives and how much deeper and more mature our marriages have developed. We had changed in some ways that would have shocked us 35 years ago. The Bible teaches that marriage is not some man made invention but an institution designed and created by God himself. He established the pattern of marriage with Adam and Eve and he blessed their union as good. Whenever we follow God¹s pattern and design great things happen and marriage becomes one of the greatest joys and blessings there is in all of life. When we violate God¹s plan marriage becomes one of the most painful and destructive forces in a person¹s life. What was interesting to me about our reunion was that while every couple there was committed to Christ and a Christian marriage 35 years ago and we are still married we now have a much better understanding of what it takes to make a marriage work and how difficult it is to have a great marriage. I sure wish I had known a few of these things 35 years ago. My wife is much smarter, more intuitive, and capable than I gave her credit for in the early years of our marriage. I did not understand that God¹s call for me to be head of the home meant I was to try and out serve her, like Christ serves the church. I wish I had known back then how much time, effort, and sacrifice it was going to take to build a strong and intimate marriage. I thought if we both loved Jesus, loved each other, had a meaningful quiet time every day, and had great sex marriage was going to be easy. That sounds like a male approach doesn¹t it? Then we started to deal with issues like the stress of 60 hour work weeks, three boys, some dysfunctional extended family, very limited finances, church conflicts, and various health and emotional issues. Marriage and life quickly became a lot more complex. Deb and I had to learn to communicate on a much deeper level and fight for our marriage in the midst of life tearing it apart. Many of the things we have learned about marriage we have put into our weekend marriage seminar, Becoming Passionate Teammates, that we offer to the public once every couple of years. We had to learn that children should not become the sole focus of the marriage, there still had to be time for just us, and that was not being selfish. We had to learn how to love each other the way the other understood love. We found that setting aside time to get away for a 2nd honeymoon weekend getaway, three times every year, helped transform our marriage. With 3 boys at home arranging those weekend getaways took months of planning, but today we are so grateful we made that commitment. Special monthly date nights helped keep us close. I know we still have a lot to learn, but today I¹m more excited about the next 35 years than I was when we started.
